A Holiday Tree Torched, featuring Master Chief

Ah, the holidays. That ever-so-wonderful time of the year for burning conservative trees, insulting an entire country or two, enjoying the end of another entertaining sports season, and playing an unhealthy amount of video games. 

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Transcript

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that has driven our industry for generations instead of evaluating campaign success on traditional branding key performance indicators we will need to finally commit to that long elusive holy grail of accountability the business outcome KPI or true R. O. Y. if you will yes twenty twenty is finally the time for us to collectively put to rest the acceptance of advertising waste as long articulated by the one to make a notion paraphrase here that quote half my advertising works just don't know which half if companies are grappling with uncertainty in terms of their supply chains of macro economic threats like new ecommerce trends a purer accountability model will sit well with their boards and the public and private markets that hold their feet to the fire the luxury of a growth economy kept us complacent in the past about making this paradigm shift we should leverage the urgency of current economic indicators to create new models of measurement that will hold us in good steed through both growth and contraction the technology and methodology yeah oh my god have a Holly jolly Christmas the happy Hanukkah I don't know the other ones I know there's a bunch of other ones I know there's a bunch other that are celebrated around this time of year but forgive my ignorance I have no clue what they might be the only fact I know is that this is the Portland sucks podcast I am your host Robert Wagner today is Friday December the tenth in the year twenty twenty one we're getting close to people did you get all your Christmas shopping done your holiday shopping done sorry I meant to say holiday not Christmas don't say the C. word that's the worst the word anybody could ever say police that's what I hear that's what they're telling you on fox news man fox news you see the thing about their Christmas tree somebody burned down the fox news Christmas tree and they spent a whopping twelve hours trying to figure out why why would someone have such hate in their heart that they would burn down the fox news Christmas tree I don't know about you but I don't have to have hate in my heart to want to burn down fox news I just have you know common sense and decency would burn it down I I kinda hope somebody burns down the next one you know they were they brought in a whole new tree that made a big deal about that after you done with the twelve hours of coverage of the he an anti for people who it was one person but you know that that radical liberal he went he gone done burned down the Christmas tree it's okay people then have four more hours about the new Christmas tree and a Christmas tree lighting at the in front of fox and friends a little set of fox and friends I remember the first time I ever passed fox news headquarters in New York City and saw the fox and friends sign and I thought what a fucking lie never even heard of fox and friends to be honest like I didn't know that was like a show because I don't turn on that channel I don't know why any reasonable thinking self loving human being would but I wasn't aware of it and so I sat at a little cafe across the street I bought a coffee I sat down and I Google that with with this fox and friends thing it sounds like a fucking animated kids show fox and friends you know like you're gonna learn about the fucking animal kingdom or some with your host little fox well five goes up says today we're going to learn about the elephants but that's not what it is that's not what it is and you know what it is I don't have to explain to you what it is but you know let's face it the only people hate in their hearts are the media conglomerates that you know want you to suffer during the holiday season how listing to them bitchin piss and moan about their political differences and how this all relates to some crazy dude in front of a building in New York burning down a Christmas tree maybe just White Christmas maybe got to maybe go to the mall and found out they were all on a PlayStation fives and he got mad and that happen to be the first fucking Christmas tree you don't know why he did it at least they didn't know when they started the broadcast that was evident but man you get like it's funny you can put one one fox and friends or fox news host in a room all by his or herself and have them talk and you know you may not agree with him but these aren't people who are just haphazardly randomly selected they they try and find the in breeders who can talk and they put him on a chair in front of a three camera operation you know and and they have to be able to track which cameras on they have to be able to sit to the side and you know speak intelligently at least somewhat about stupid topics and you have to figure you know these are people of at least an average IQ or better and then you get two of a man and like the whole thing drops twenty points twenty IQ points you get a third it drops down to like the you know and maybe another twenty maybe even more you get like three of them all on the screen at once and it's amazing how the stupid just flies but you know regardless of your political persuasion this is more of my indictment on a modern media more than you know to let's say just fox I I really hate all of it we all just come clean you know I'll just come clean and say you know it when it comes right down to it if you're too far right if you too far left and you have to broadcast on the news I don't like you you know and it's fascinating to watch who thinks who is too far one direction or the other like I read the other day that people think that don lemon of us CNN is too far left fuck hi I just think of don lemon is a that's a really well spoken guy who happens to be on a liberal leaning channel and you know maybe has some of those same viewpoints but for the most part I he just seems like a decent human being who you know probably doesn't wanna get shot by the police because he happens to be a black American you know that's that's really you know I don't think of him you know I I it when I when I think it too far left I don't take him at all but in the end all be all thing for me is you know let's face it if if if you're gonna dedicate an entire day to how you feel slighted as a news organization then you are in the business of making your news about you you know news organization should be covering things that happen elsewhere they shouldn't be you know is is there like practice making dis dis tracks now you know towards one another like you read on fox news M. and you see what the people of CNN said that C. N. N.'s covering what fox news said and then fuck M. S. N. B. C.'s over here going to leaf watch us and nobody does but they're tryin you know they don't really even care what side they're on because they're just like fuck if we could just get anybody to acknowledge the fact that we're a channel of viable channel that you can turn to on your television or even stream as we would be happy but the problem is nobody fucking cares you can average a what's your fuck and that's awesome I don't mind her but then I don't really like I don't really like any of them you know I I really just don't but I just I found the whole thing funny that this is kind of like the ultimate it's like it's sort of like you know big issue into park or something you know it out our Christmas tree we will not relent to people we will not be down by this hate crime hate crime the fucking called a hate crime burning a Christmas tree to hate crime is though to that tree have feelings did I did I did it identifies pine for somebody didn't like it I don't think so it's a fucking tree it's a fuckin whack job in New York City they're not hard to find you can throw a rock and probably hit one I think you can say that about anywhere truth be told it's not a New York thing but you I fuckin hate crime that's that's a little strong adds a little strong now this this podcast on the other side on the other hand it might be a hate crime because I say hate on it quite a bit and that's strong language strong language I ought to know better in my adult years I I really ought to tone down my rhetoric as it were but anyway backing up backing up like I said it's Friday December the tenth the holiday season is upon us I hope you and yours are hunkering down you got everything you needed you got despite the supply chain issues you got all your shopping done death it's huge on my mind you know it really is I still have things like I I completed my holiday shopping well in advance and here I am a mere fourteen fifteen days I don't know if you open gifts on Christmas Eve or Christmas day it's up to you I'm more of a Christmas day kind of guy but your mileage may vary fifteen days ahead of this and I am still waiting for fed ex to delivered no fewer than three fucking packages that are currently have formed a band got on a bus and are like following fish on a world tour of the entire United States because every time I check for my packages are there in a different state they get closer sometimes sometimes they go farther I have no faith that I will actually receive said packages by that time it's the only comfort I can take in the ineptitude of these three cases of a FedEx's massive incompetence is the ineptitude of her company and there might be a double negative I don't really care you know what I mean the only comfort I can take is that two of them were actually gifts I got for myself because I am that selfish prick the other one no the other one is yeah it's it's it's for my daughter and I'm pretty pissed off that it's not here yet I like to get all the stuff done in advance I like to wrap all the gifts put him out in the living room next to the tree and have them all sitting there so that all the kids can sit there and kind of look at him and go how much longer is it till Christmas if you just ask me ten minutes ago yeah I have a camera I have a camera anyway you don't live in Portland about home security I have ample home security there are no fewer than seven cameras covering that the house the residence the property the plantation acreage if you will his plantation a bad word my apologies for it's I was thinking of like the south and like you know those big stupid I'll just move on I have a lot of cameras so you there there's one in the living room that actually looks towards the front door but it's a it's a fisheye lens our fish mad about that to do fish really you know that they're probably gonna bothered by that it being referred to that but if you were to go and shake the gifs or do what I do with a kid like I would go and see get some Scotch tape and I would kind of peel off a little corner and I was just gonna separate the paper a little bit just to see what's inside because if you know in advance you know as a kid anyway if I knew in advance what I was getting it would it would allow me to practice of the appropriate responses you know what I mean and that's really important like it's it's it's much your responsibility as a child to make your parents happy is it is for parents to make their children happy it's true I I honestly believe that so that was my excuse that's what I told myself at the time when I was like eight to to justify finding the package stash peeling back the tape looking into the packaging going Jammu's okay and then you you put the tape back if it doesn't quite cover you take your additional piece of tape and you just kind of re stick it down there because honestly parents are gonna look again at the Tate kids this is a great tip for you if you want to go rate your parents closet and get into the gifts now they're not gonna know they're they're not going to double check the taper the wrapping job they did they do it once they're so flustered and over it by the time it's done trust me I know just did that they're just gonna you know set the stuff down not to be thought of again Intel December twenty fourth or twenty fifth so kids and you know like like I would see the pajamas or you know depending on where the country live pajamas and I would go okay man that's really fucking disappointing that is that is not the Commodore sixty four compatible fifteen forty one disk drive that I want but okay you know it's been a fucking rough year in my dad you know he he works sixty hours a week nothing him nothing stopping him from getting a fucking second job but you know there we are there we are you know I was far from a spoiled child I got pajamas and you know I would I would practice I would I would go in the other room to go sweet you know and and how would do things like I would like where a hole into the knee of my existing pajamas so this would be like a little really great gifts like oh my god you know it's weird because I I have this hold my near these I was gonna throw away but then I didn't have a different pair because that's right I I was a one pajama kit I only had one pair we report but mine were Star Wars they were not the cool Han solo ones that I wanted of course so not only did I end up with pajamas that year I ended up with the the shitty C. three PO pajamas instead of the wicked cool Han solo pajamas and I remember this distinctly because the arms and legs were yellow and I when I was eight years older whatever in nine years old whatever I can't remember how old I was hope it was only that age eating fucking C. three PO pajamas I'm also fairly tall kid I just I felt really foolish like wearing these fucking yellow and you know I just I didn't identify with the stupid robot either you know that that didn't help but yeah that's that's a little tip for you and yours if you want to go head and if kids if you want to try that out I highly recommend that you know that way you can you can go Daddy PlayStation five however did you find one well to be to be perfectly honest kid I didn't find one I am I found a guy who on Craig's list who was selling one had through the exorbitant amount of money of nine hundred fifty dollars I met him in the parking lot of the target I fucking shot him and then I took it and I drove home that's modern Christmas but at least you can track at least you can give the expected response and then some you know what I mean like even if you get the worst gift ever you know like let's say for example you get another Nintendo switch and instead PlayStation five instead of going fuck her really wanted PlayStation you'll already know in advance and you go oh my god I can't wait to play the new Super Mario game awesome all the seventeen year old boys love Mario this will be the best and your parents will genuinely feel like they did a good thing you know they didn't find exactly what you wanted but it was a reasonable facsimile and they'll think you're happy you'll be happy you could turn around cella for drugs and live happily ever after go to your friend Billy's house play his P. S. five he probably doesn't use it anymore anyway because he comes from a rich fucking family and he's a spoiled little shit and whatever he gets he tends to discard after about a week and a half now anyway who called it baby if you listen to my previous episode I made a prediction I said I said the Portland timbers are going to MLS Cup and yeah tomorrow noon Pacific time on don't with ESPN or Fox Sports or I don't really give a shit it's on the channel that you'll inevitably watching on hi yeah Portland timbers and NYCFC what embarrassing team to have to play you know what I mean like like you've made it all the way like you're you're the Portland timbers your season was plagued with injury difficulty early doubt you had a surge in the final part of the season you're just obliterating teams left and right not even a fan but my god the more I talk about it the more I feel like I should be one and who do you end up playing in the MLS Cup final with but the most po dunk piece of shit team in the entire league the team that has to share Yankee Stadium they're so pathetic like Yankee Stadium like it's one thing you can go ahead and make fun of you know teams like the Sounders that share a football stadium by okay it's a nice stadium it really S. Yankee Stadium yeah it's great by a baseball stadium does not hold a full size soccer field I don't know if you know this if you have never watch in NYC FC game I highly suggested going on YouTube in finding one and watching it for five minutes so you can just sit and laugh at hell fuckin feeble this team is and by extension how much of the entire city and state for that matter of New York New York City and New York state they don't care that there's not one but two MLS Major League Soccer teams in there find cities technically think the rebels play in Jersey but whatever what is Jersey but a suburb of us New York City it's true though I did a survey wall on my trip in Florida again referring to the last podcast I had C. it all comes back around I'm really good at that you know sort of you know make it all tied in together hi I pride myself on that but I was in Florida with a bunch of people from New York and it was fascinating you know you do a little you little quiz you go Hey you know you're from New York you know by way of New Jersey same fucking thing what do you think about the new York soccer teams in there like nobody cares about that at okay is he gonna go around the table you go okay how about you what do you think of the new York city soccer team we have a soccer team okay next I I don't care I don't follow that you don't follow soccer I don't know I follow soccer I just only follow good soccer like premier league no okay fair enough so you're the Portland timbers you've made it to MLS Cup you've just absolutely the competition on your way to the final and the best the east can offer up is a team that nobody gives a shit about who arguably is really just not very good I mean let's face it the entire eastern Conference minutes the dire you know and but you know it's a it's almost like it's not even interesting you know like I'm gonna watch it I'm gonna route for Portland I'm gonna route against New York more partly but I will be rooting for Portland even though the Sounders fan at heart and the best this league can do is for for opposition to this surging highly talented unstoppable Portland timbers team skip that this is give them NYCFC it's it's like it's like watching Mike Tyson I don't know get into a fight with like who I don't even know yeah like Bill Cosby you know I know why picked Bill Cosby I really want to see Bill Cosby get maybe that's why and and you just kind of a wise is even taking place why not just call it you know like it's it's it's the same league but the teams are in vastly differently to the this is not a competitive matches can be held in Portland and I and I think that there in lies the thrill you know for for all the timbers fans or maybe the agony as I've been looking at social media you you as it relates to sort of the ticketing situation for for MLS Cup final but nonetheless go timbers all just say that once I kind of cringe a little because you know Sanders fans timbers fans they we occupy the same city only because I live here in Portland but you know I've taken the Blazers I'm not sure why that's that's a disaster I went over this last late last at last podcast but anyway you know go timbers that's that's that's all to say about that I'm moving on I wasted approximately about a minute and forty five seconds of your life at the top of this particular episode and that was some well as part of my day job it was a little project I worked on about a year or year and a half ago I guess it was it was late twenty nineteen so maybe almost two years ago now but yeah I've been looking for that file for a while just because I think it's funny I think it's you when you sit and spend a lot of time with yourself throughout code you'll know what I mean by this you you your sense of humor expands you end up talking to yourself you get a little bit of the crazies going on I know you're not supposed to say crazy fuck that emits a crazy anyways I'm referring to myself but yeah I dug that up that was a that was a weird little gig I got that was it had to do something to do with there's a service out there I can't remember the name of it I it may already be dead I hope it is because it was a stupid idea but what they do is they make audio recordings of articles so that your punk ass doesn't have to read and they came out with this one right before covert and walk down hit you know when all you had time for really was to read your stock you're you're locked down as it were you can't really go anywhere you get tired of talking to people on soon what else you gonna do it well in fact you might as well read you know reading went up you know statistically they know this but this service that was their thing you know we're gonna we're gonna hire people to record their reading of our articles to give this this extra layer of value to the audience and I got stuck with a marketing shit as you know I'm kind of in the the marketing industry people you know because why not you know nothing makes you want to drive yourself to suicide faster than being in the marketing industry trust me the reason I hate the world is I'm in marketing I'm in the marketing industry but yeah so you know I I gave a few these a world you know I recorded a bunch of women that after two or three of him you're so fucking bored that you start create different voices and just submitting their shit and you that was my Gandalf you know it's not really Gandalf like I wasn't I was picturing Gandalf I don't really know how Gandalf talks because number one he's not a real person and number two I just I can't be bothered to watch movies that are longer than about an hour forty five minutes long but anyway I I I envisioned Gandalf as I was recording that and that became in my repertoire of my Mike Gandolfo voice I also had like like I I would read one where you know I pulled a marketing article and I go the it is about a week set to make big gains in twenty twenty you know and I don't know what that is it's like it's like my sophisticated stoner you know I like sophisticated stoner I like surfer dude I got Gandolfi life god me hi you know yeah I got I got a few of them okay but yeah I was I was looking for that one because I can't I've lost my Gandalf you know not like physically lost the file I lost the file as you know kind of the point of this but it was I was trying to use my Gandalf the other day because I actually landed this voice gig that really is the dream voice job and where I get paid to do incredibly fun stuff I'm incredibly lucky to have landed this job I am not looking the gift horse in the mouth like I value this this is the it may be one of the more proud moments of my life was getting to do this was being accepted to do it I I can't really talk about a whole lot but even for me to be excited about something professionally is that's a pretty big deal to me you may not be do you understand but you know if you got a raise I'm not exactly going to jump up and down if I go get myself some cake you know by you know it's nonetheless it's it's a big deal me and one of the things they said was you know you know if you can do this you can you do other voices that just came up one day while I was working on it with little group you know discussion session I said it would canali of course I can I have a Gandolfo I've got a sophisticated stoner I've got a surfer guy and and there's like a him little what's the Gandalf like I'm like I don't know it's it's I don't even know if it's Gandalf it's more like you know if I was kind of an older gentleman that was sitting around you know fucking watching some masterpiece theatre and you know smoking a pipe and drinking a big old big gulp size glass support you know that's why I envision I envision Gandalf but when I describe it to people in there like yeah that that might actually work pretty good can you can you can you do it I'm like yeah I think so in you know like like the train fucking eight that I am I I attempted to do what they're liking that's not really what we're thinking of like back and I listen to it I was like no that's not it let me try again and I tried again with no that's not it either and I'm like I'll find this while you guys I can do this like I just I need to get in to that that sort of space you know let me make my craft and fuck I look I look for this fuckin file for ever because I knew I I had recorded it and I'd save it somewhere and I had somehow takes where you know I can't keep this up because it's just ridiculous I have no idea what I'm talking about the subject matter honestly when you're talking about marketing stuff fuck I I'd rather be like punching myself in the deck then then even thinking about it let alone you know talking about it or thinking about it I finally found the file and I sent it to them and and you know my my producers like this this is great this is what we're looking for live okay here's what we need kit can you do these it was like twelve wines you know am like yeah I think so this is for a minor character like this minor extra thing but it's more money from you so I and I it gives me a chance to you know add to my resume arm and so I sat down I try to record it and I must try to record it for like three hours and I could not get it and it was bugging the shit out me and then I realized when I recorded the original take of this you know the the out taking the original take that I submitted for the stupid article read through thing I was sick and like I had a really bad cold at the time in like late twenty nineteen I was actually kind of laid out for a few days and it was very strange I actually one point thought you know you normas do I really want to do this I really want to be more than one character in this thing that I'm working on with these people and I I really believe I can another thing how can I get this back I my first thought was fuck I know what I'm gonna do and I brought it the Google and I punched in Chucky cheese because I thought man if there's any way I can fast track myself to a fucking cold it's to go into a Chucky cheese like on a weekend afternoon and like just start touching everything and then licking my you know and I'm willing to pay like that you know it is I don't know if there's an admission fee at Chucky cheese or not hi I think they just make you buy like the pizza buffet or some but you know I thought fuck you know I I can't go wrong right I eat the Chucky cheese that the the closest Chucky cheese to me is now closed permanently which is kind of a bummer and I I thought about it awhile longer I thought fuck you know this is in this day and age it's probably not a real smart thing to do granted it probably isn't a smart thing to do anyway but like right now you know you've got like it's a covert by Fay out there and I don't really want any of them I don't want I don't want on the crumb or I don't the I don't want any of that I think we should name the wall after lines just incidently either been American there should be delta other shipments southwest that should be the variations the people gone well yeah I get what you're saying you know because of delta but but cove nineteen is really a global select like so fucking what we're America like it should be named we should have the fucking Alaskan fuckin variant yeah now I N. if we need to you know we can start naming them after airlines from their places of origin you know I have no problem with that I don't get caught up in the whole like you can't name something after the Canadians even though something originated in fucking Canada because then the fucking Canadians will feel bad and I just think you know what I don't care you know we wouldn't care America would care would be proud of that shit yeah now I mean where is Keren from Karen is American you know there's nothing more American than Karen and we own it and we own both the love of being parents and we own the love hating care white why is everybody else so fuckin soft when it comes to this stuff you know get the fucking Chinese are all offended when they say you know the virus which originated in China you know in in they get all bent out of shape but it's a fact you know like it came from China I'm not saying they caused it I'm not saying they didn't do enough to prevent the spread of it I don't get into the whole conspiracy theory thing there but I don't understand why everybody so fucking offended by it you know it's a fucking fact it's like god you know American made cars and then we proceeded to not be very good at making them and now you know pretty much everybody around the world makes better cars than we do you still own the fact that the car is is a very American thing you know driving fast drunk is a very American thing nobody kills themselves more annually than we do on that level and you know that's an accomplishment you know it's not a good accomplishment but none the less it's an accomplishment so why not the delta variant why stop there when you can have the American variant the Alaskan variant you know but it didn't come from Alaska so what it came from China but we can't call the China virus you know people get angry all you're gonna get upset the Chinese I could give a shit about upsetting the Chinese quite frankly you know I I don't get into racism or anything like that but I'm not a big fan of the Chinese I don't know to tell you I don't wanna you know I go to war with him or anything but yeah I like what they did with Hong Kong I think it's pretty shitty and I think you know we should be a little bit more angry with them then maybe we are but you know my my geo political views five I I did not successfully find anywhere where I could go you know touch a highly German your you know fuck what am I trying to say I I couldn't touch surfaces with a lot of germs on them and then lick my hands because you know half of me just wants to do that anyway because of the sort of public stigma that would then be around me after that you know like you just kind of wanna be that guy maybe you don't but I do I want to be that guy that goes to a fuckin you know like a fucking children's pizza place and I don't even order anything I just go in there wanna you know they have all of those you know like the the the the fucking thing where you like pick up the basketball during Xu's so many hoops I just want to pick up one basketball I just fuckin rub my hands over the start licking my it's a little bit you know it's a fucking crane game I'm gonna go over and grab the crane joysticks adjust you know fond of them like you know I don't know like it rigid you know joystick penises and just start you know look in my hands afterward it's the three the the expressions on people's faces because I love that because that's the beauty of Portland is that everybody thinks everybody comes to Portland they think they're fucking weird dude that's not weird fucking dying your hair pink and you know biking around lake it's not weird they do it all over the fucking world it's socially acceptable now but I have a pretty strong feeling the going in the Chucky cheese and touching every fucking available surface in there rubbing the surface fondling the surface just wiping the surface and then licking your hands incessantly rapidly manically that's weird that's fuckin weird that's what you said he should be known for his fucking people doing that kind of crap is a perverse I don't think so I'm in if somebody comes to you and says Hey what do you do what the fuck you doing here you got who be doing that for I just turn to when I go I'm trying to get my Gandolfo voice back and it's true I'm not even lying like what are you gonna do you call the police all three of the cops are less important are busy dealing with the traffic accident down the road you know they can't they can't be expected to show up for a fuckin I don't know like a perverse voice actor call right it's it's just not gonna happen right fok but yeah that's what I'm all about had to I'm all about I get friends and family and all kind of like doing things you know the people that are doing things in your life everybody has people like this in our eyes they're doing things that are worthwhile you know like like I saw this this call R. I think it was on Twitter and maybe I don't remember where I saw it maybe got an email who flew the fuck here there is this Christmas tree fuckin retail Christmas tree farm you know where they they have volunteers come in and help sell the Christmas trees during the fucking holiday season five holiday tree sorry they sell the fucking holiday tree welcome to volunteer for that you know just to make myself feel better about my own incredibly selfish existence and you know they do like three hour block CD three hours you've done your community you know a solid and you get to like sit around come Christmas time holiday time whatever the fuck and feel good about yourself and I thought man that's for me I'm totally gonna do that sign me the fuck up and said right on the thing it says you know act fast because a lot of people volunteer for this and so then it was like I didn't even do it you know because like a lot of people do it a lot of people already doing this a lot of people already feeling good about it what what the fuck does that leave me you know I'm hardly unique I'm hardly helping out of like a lot some of people do this right but you always have these friends these fucking family they're always doing these worthwhile fucking goody two shoes things you know they're fucking helping out at the soup kitchen and they're fucking yeah I donated a whole bunch of my old pants because I lost a lot of weight last year last year in you know cove really helped me lose weight you know a lot of people gain nineteen for cover nineteen I lost nineteen sound on my clothes fit and you know I took command and you know I gave him to the needy you know I don't go to the good well I gave them directly the needy I went to a shelter and handed them out individually and then I told people how they look I'm like oh girl that's great that I used to fit it looks so good on your fat ass and you're like wow I don't do anything like that nothing like I don't help anybody do anything I get these people from time to time is me these really kind you know little of little things email and stuff about the podcast you living man you really you know you're doing great work you know like I really need this and I I believe them and then I realize I it's making fun of me is what you're doing you don't need that shit nobody needs this fok why would you need this nobody nobody should have to listen to me but you have those friends are doing those things I don't think any of the fuck what do I do you know what have I been doing you know what what's me from making a podcast a week on a regular basis was preventing me from going out and fucking volunteering for you know the fucking Christmas tree sales drive what's what's stopping me from sitting in a soup kitchen in helping the needy you know what's what's stopping me from going through my old clothes and donating some stuff that I never wear because all my god I have I have so many teachers I could wear a different T. shirt every day and not wear the same teacher twice for about eight months I shit you not it's that bad like I just buy T. shirts like other people buy toilet paper but I don't do any of it yeah I really analyzed you know what is it you're doing other than work other than you know sitting down at the dinner table and eating dinner other than watching sports what is the thing you're doing that's really occupying so much of your time it's so important that you can't get a way to help people out this holiday season and the answer is actually really simple the answer halo the fucking video game about playing halo like crazy I played halo like some people smoke crack like I play it like I'll be literally on a fucking work meeting and not turn my camera on a yeah yeah yeah I'm I'm using the computer I have the doesn't have a camera sorry about that and all mute the Mike and I'm right back to halo I'm playing halo during the meeting and playing halo before the meeting up there playing after the meeting I wake up in the middle of the night at three AM up can't sleep my Lil place some halo get up in the morning sit down my breakfast cereal it sits there gets cold it starts cold so that's really not unusual I usually have cereal with milk cold milk and I'm playing halo when I'm not playing halo I'm thinking about halo much a video right now I'm not even joking as I'm recording this podcast this is all automatic the only reason any of this make sense is because I'm not paying attention to it I'm watching halo that's that's who I am that's who I've become it's fucking pathetic so people out there saving the world people out there get involved in political action you know helping society fixing what's broke protest in this pro testing that not me man I'm master chief grown dog running around in the fucking in fucking green armor and I'm shooting things I'm shooting people I'm playing a lot of multiplayer halo the fuck single player came out see I'm passionate do you hear the passion in my voice hello again halo I'm so in the halo I actually sat down last night and I watched the video game awards there's actually an award show for video games you know there's like the the Oscars for the movie industry and there is the Tonys for Broadway and there is a well there's other ones the others other ones for music I don't remember what the music ones are called then they have the TV ones and then they have the CMA's the country music awards but they don't have to music awards with the other music awards because those two musics or it or they don't like each other can I watched the video game awards because you know dating all the way back to like when I was a little kid and I found my first asteroids arcade machine and put a quarter and I thought oh my god this is magic this is like television that I control only it's not in my living room and it impacted everything about my life like I no longer wanted to go to McDonald's because fucking McDonalds and have an asterisk machine now did they know no I want to go to the pizza place and then pretty soon you find out a different pizza place will they have a different game Sunday and I want to go to that pizza place now let's go to Pizza Hut fuck Pizza Hut dad I don't want to go to fucking pizza out I wanna go to patrons only gonna pieces fucking moon which all have their pizzas I don't care I wanna play moba troll I a troll okay but I had a quarter and I love that shit can I still do to this day like I you know I go in and out of it but right now it's halo and so you know there's gonna be like halo announcements during the video game or this is how you get the kids like me to watch your really shitty fucking orchard which brings me to my the actual topic I want to get to was there is for for the multi multi multi massively successful business that video game is that the video game industry is today I mean it's bigger than movies has bigger than TV it's way bigger than music it has the worst most embarrassing to watch fucking award show ever created and I don't understand why it like this is like the fourth or fifth year in a row I've watched this garbage and you can tell really love making the best use of my time by by saying that but you watch this thing in here just like Jesus Christ it's like everything about this is so stupid you know I don't think games are I love games like games are fun and you know they're they're great I I still you know I like to sit around the fucking playing Mario party you know my daughters it's a blast I love playing halo against people I know and don't know I love fucking tea bagging everyone when I win if you don't know what that is that's okay just move the fuck on a forget I even said anything about it but the award show that they have put together for the video game industry is without a doubt the most pandering disgusting immature and just wholeheartedly stupid thing you could ever sit through it's true go back to YouTube watch this thing if you can make it more than fifteen minutes in you know a in less of course you know your halo fan and you really want to see the world premiere of the fucking halo TV show yeah there's a halo TV show baby that aside you have no skin in the game you have a vague interest of video games right go watch the award show for fifteen minutes it is without a doubt the biggest piece of shit you could ever possibly what as far as a work shows go and you know let's face it work shows are usually pretty bad like the music ones are particularly bad because it's it's really just it's all the pop artist that you know today but you won't know of like three minutes from now this is just shit is Josh yet like the host is a fucking douche everybody they bring on is like I don't care about you show me fuckin games tell me who won you know you have all these nominees let's do it you know and then they have a performance from staying why I don't know oh man can you believe we had staying here like all the sudden having staying your fucking shitty video game fortunately generalizes the entire industry like we really came into our own the night that sting showed up granted we had to pay a million dollars but here is I don't really know what they paid him I assume you got paid but you know they had them at one point we imagine dragons that was well the suitably awful not just because I'm not a fan but because it was fucking you know the whole thing stupid it's just I feel so embarrassed you know here's this industry that I've been into since I was a kid like I just I love it and the award show is literally the worst thing on television in fact I don't think it's on television I think you can only stream so the biggest entertainment industry in the world can't even justify putting there should show award show on broadcast TV now does that say something about broadcast TV no it says something about the fact that this now you know I'm looking at this you guys in this is too stupid to be put on the air it is just too stupid now mind you there is fox and friends this is this is so stupid it's not even up to the the in the intelligence level of fox and friends that's how bad it is and and this is what you get this is what you get as as a lover of video games a lifelong lover of video games you get the world's worst award show it's not even as good as the slight like I it there's more entertainment value for me to sit around and pretend I'm ninety and watch QVC that's that's saying something you know biggest industry in the world I can't think of it comparable show that I've ever watch like I have to think I've never seen it but I have to think like I always wonder how do people that watch like the bachelor no offense if you do but it's just not my thing people watch the bachelor aren't you embarrassed by that like like this is your he they call it reality TV this is not reality TV there's no reality that you or I or anyone else lives and where we're constantly followed by cameras because my name's not Brad Pitt right like it just doesn't happen and so then you have these you know well there's two guys and one of them has ten million dollars which lady will he elected and then all these women just sit there and pandering kisses as they kids both these people's asses and then one of like it's stuck with the guy that has like I don't he owes like seven hundred dollars you know he's got like negative bank balance then other guys got ten million he's a fucking schmuck and that's how they like do this thing you know it's like all which one will he find to love and people go oh so real no it fucking isn't and yet even that is ridiculous is that is it's still still better than the video game awards that's yeah this is why I am I just fuck it fuck the whole thing then I'm just to go play me some halo I suggest you do the same