PDX Sucks

A World Without Children, featuring Costco

February 17, 2022 Portland Sucks Season 8 Episode 8
PDX Sucks
A World Without Children, featuring Costco
Show Notes Transcript

On the 10th Anniversary of becoming responsible, a trip to Costco causes some self-reflection. I'm kidding. I saw a billboard and it irked me, so I did some digging and laughed at how stupid people are.

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it's cause for celebration another day another podcast you're listening to World socks I'm Robert Wagner this is Thursday February the seventeenth in the year twenty twenty two the future we never thought we'd have
films about two thousand one films about twenty ten we're even past Blade Runner now I think I might be mistaken but think I'm pretty sure we're past the year the Blade Runner took place how do we even make it this far
who knows
we might not make it much further I guess that's not to be depressing I actually I actually started this podcast today not because I really wanted to but because I had to cleanse the palate cleanse the mental podcasting palette you see I just spent the past hour doing voice over work for some other podcasts crap I do and I get so tired of my cheery business voice that I have to just either go throw up which I don't feel like doing or I have to do one of these and so in this case you know he lucky you I did one of these lucky you lucky me I mean I appreciate you even giving me the outlet by listening to do this I could do it anyway I suppose I could just make these recordings and then just never do anything with them sometimes I do that I sometimes I just forget but yeah you're here I'm here and I feel like I'm like maybe percent clients but yeah I I would really love to share with you the eye of the business voice business Robert but the guy that talks on these other things because I just feel like it's a whole different mode like this little button on my back the U. press N. remember like old action figures you boys will remember girls may remember I don't know I'm it's do they have action figures anymore not actual figures but like the the dolls you know like like O. G. I. GI Joe not but a little tiny action figure guys but the big ones and there would be this big button you could like completely compress it's back like colonel Steve Austin the six million dollar man you could press on his back and he would you like some kind of chop chopping action I don't know why he wasn't he wasn't like a karate guy had one bionic arm and then one week arm which is kind of weird when you think about it then you have to go down this whole like rabbit hole of you know what sh which wrist take which handed the use you know to relieve himself that's I had a strange child in all all move on but yeah yeah this this little button I think I have a button to like I could just click something and all of a sudden I talk like this but then I click something else and I'm very official professional I enunciate so much better and I can't even do it now like I want to give you a sample or an example without like going and you know dragging one of these recordings out and playing it and all that but yeah I just I feel so much more free so much more untethered as it were and I and I love it I love it I love talking in general I love to hear myself talk because I'm a prick like that but I don't like that guy that gets paid go figure that's that's the R. with the generation X. guided me it's just like yeah I can do this stuff and yeah I get paid for it but I don't really like that stuff man I'm more I'm more like the art side you know the artistic side is that this is artistic in the least
I like doing the thing I like to do it you know it's great that it pays the bills too anyway how are you
I didn't have notes today hardly ever have notes but today I have really no no to have one note one note and you could argue I'm a one note guy and I would agree with you but yeah so
earlier this week a couple days ago I celebrated something of a milestone in my life
I think of it as one anyway you you you may not you may go dude so what everybody does that for me it was a big deal it was a big deal for me I celebrated ten years as a parent
because my daughter had a birthday and she turned ten obviously that's hence ten years as a parent and
you do a lot of reflecting I did a lot of reflecting you know maybe to other people maybe other parents are just another day but to me it was like you know it was such a life changing event to go from one day your Footloose and fancy free run and I economic failure that you call a podcasting internet radio business to the next day you're kind of like not doing that anymore the next day you have to be responsible you have to grow up you have to actually pay the bills on time which I think I did a pretty good job of before but you have to really start changing your perspective on life
not anyway that really I think compromises your ideals or anything but you start having more
beliefs and expectations from life and hopes and dreams and goals because you're not just all about you anymore you're all about well you're all about your kid you know I mean that's that's really what changes and you start noticing things in the world that are unfair in life and you start worrying about things that you know maybe you didn't really get a whole lot of sought to before that yeah but yeah I I celebrated in true dad fashion I celebrated the early part of the day
by going to Costco
what's this like is like the the the the most family oriented thing a human being can do because I don't believe that anybody goes to cosco Intel they reach that dad point unless of course you're one of the many people who owns a convenience store and goes to Costco to buy stock to fill the shelves of your store but you know in my case it's you know you you got to feed the family man you got to put the food in the refrigerator there's no more opening the refrigerator and finding like two potatoes in a tub of butter you know that's just not going to cut it anymore that's called child abuse I think
because yeah appears comes in many forms you can't just slap your kids silly or anything of the sort and you can't just be to potatoes and butter over and over and over again I think there's laws against that if they're not whether probably should be so yeah I'm not the cosco and you know when you're at the cosco now you buy the cosco birthday cake which I should add is fucking delicious
my child has a particular us love for chocolate I can't imagine where she gets that and yeah picked up kick left the cosco
and proceeded to drive on one of the the many arterial routes that goes from you know the cosco that cosco nears me is out by the the the god damn airport and is it is similar to most cities they they keep the airport out in the middle of nowhere
for obvious reasons you know you don't want to be under a flight path if you can avoid it so you know cheaper houses or industrial areas places like that posco they put all kinds of stuff the I. kia is all out by Portland International Airport and
it's fascinating to me as you drive away from cosco reentering proper civilization if you can call Portland properly civilized anymore at all which is debatable different subject for a different day
but just the the odd selection of billboards is that you'll see sort of littering these various roadways between
modern civilization you know that that place in which people live and you know that the sort of industrial side that the airport ask a warehouse store underbelly of Portland and
I found a certain amount of I found it odd I guess that I happen to see this one particular Billboard sexes second time I've seen it but I didn't really give it a whole lot of thought
the first time and I did I think it will measure because I really started thinking about it but I also really started thinking about it because you know most my kids birthday you know I'm celebrating ten years as a dad which for me a slob like me is really it's really the greatest accomplishment I could ever have is to get through eighteen years of parenting without you know producing a serial killer that's really the goal you know if I can launch
watch this this responsible adult out into the world to mingle with other responsible adult I know what many of you out there doing the same thing you have the same hopes the same dreams the singles and good on you I support you in that endeavor and I hope you support me but our goal really is just not to fuck up
you know that's that's really what you're trying to do you're trying to put somebody out society who can fend for themselves take care of others has compassion does good stands for something doesn't shoot people in a movie theater that sort of thing you know that's that's your hope
and I think for the most part many of us do a very good job some of us do really shitty job but it was because I was reflecting on that that this Billboard I saw really struck me as as kind of a WTF what the fuck moment you know I I saw this thing and even though I've seen it before I didn't really put two and two together and and I started twirling on it and I would like to think these folks for completely fucking me up for about ninety minutes and just making me angry on a day that I should be experiencing nothing but joy at the fact that my wonderful daughter is now ten years old
the Billboard in question is for a website
called stop having kids who dot org and
it's typically it's one of the things that I really wouldn't give a shit about honestly you know it's it's not exactly a to me stop having kids is like it's it's one of those messages it's like well I'm cool stop having kids kill your television you know it's it's one of those things that when you when you have a bumper sticker or you a black hoodie with this you know it but on the front of it
or you put up a Billboard and it says something this whoa ask me about my sweatshirt ask me about my Billboard asked me if I actually killed my television you're really just trying to draw attention to yourself you know that that message all by itself is stupid when you think about it
but it really got me thinking that and I went home and I will admit I actually punched in I I opened up my browser on my computer through a VPN because fuck these people I don't want them tracking me right and I punched in stop having kids dot org private tab
and I'm greeted with the first message you on this thing is limited quantity hoodies now available and I like I couldn't guess that like you can actually go to this website the first thing I want to do is sell you a fuckin black hoodie with this message on the front of it and they have this guy who has white hair he's an older man far older man and he's got he's he's frowning he's a very frowning man and he's kind like mush mouth looking he looks like he probably didn't put his dentures in that day you know how your as you get really old and you forget your teeth maybe left him in the cleaner maybe a lost of all your fucking out in the Bender with your other fucking old male friends
you know I like your mouth just gets kinda like concave it just kind of collapses in on itself he has no lips in other words
that's the first thing this organization is about there's a banner at the top free shipping in the US on all orders and limited quantity hoodies now available what a great opening message stop having kids by our fuckin hoodie don't you want to look like this fashionable fuck you forgot his teeth and then if you don't think if they get a little diverse you know the short black guy with a stop having kids thing he looks a little bashful like me he already had kids but he would like to tell others to stop doing what he did they have a you know that the the prototypical Portland girl you know she got the purple hair longer hair and then they got the one with you know that the shorter hair a little Mohawk thing and find whatever you know whatever I don't know where the sites based out of I did like the most
basic who is look up to see you know who registered this fucking man but they did that whole like go Daddy hide my domain thing I paid an extra seventeen dollars if you buy hoodie it'll have been free for all I know all four of these fashionable models are wearing the same hoodie you know maybe this passed actually want to buy one of these things
stop having kids they wanna sell you hurting
but I dug deeper yeah what is the message what is the point of this what is the what is the platform stop having kids is always the platform but we have to get there you know they have a little baby busters thing for the with S. T. baby busters O. P. you know dumb little clipart saying don't even bother to have any sort of like artistic it doesn't fit like it just it looks terrible but it says most people not stop to question having children before opting to procreate we want to change that by ensuring people consider the option of not reproducing as a valid an ethical lifestyle which it is it absolutely yes there is an unconscionable amount of needless suffering and death in the world birth serves as the catalyst for it all that's their secondary message and
fuck really like that's the best you can do like responsible fucking selfish adults like myself have been saying that for years well you know Babe you know we could have a kid did you know there's a point as a guy where the woman comes to you nine times out of ten and she says you know I think it's really diverse next you know Babe I see where you're going with this but I just think the world is so it's such a terrible place that you know I just want to bring a kid into it you know
and it's a dumb fuck an angle like it's the most tired cliche fucking thing you could possibly say what you're saying is is I really don't like committing to people and I want to remain a selfish self centered childless brick to spend all of my money and spare time on myself that's what you're saying that's okay nobody opt not to have a kid nobody you're lying to yourself if you tell me I'm wrong nobody opts not to have a child because you think the world you live in
is that it's bullshit you're lying you're lying to yourself nobody looks out at the world goes man all the fake news imminent war between Russia and Ukraine fuckin any numbers stupid thing the high price of fucking chocolate cake at cosco
fuckin gasoline is through the roof the energy crisis fucking greenhouse emissions were all gonna die nobody looks at that and realistically says to themselves you know what I can't justify bringing a child into the world right now I just the world terrible place Fatio you're lying you want to spend all your time on yourself do you want to spend all your money on yourself you want to go hang out with your friends in perpetuity Intel you are an old graying man with no teeth wearing a fucking black hoodie out in public
and you know what that's okay you can do that you absolutely can do that I in fact I support you in your endeavor to do that if you want to be all about you for the rest of your taste or if you and your significant other want to be all about yourselves and your couple hood for the rest of your days call for it man
but for the love of Christ don't try to justify because you owe the world to terrible place yeah in a fucking terrible plays but your fucking parents had to enter your fucking ass you know you wouldn't be here ended then there's a certain amount of population to go I wish my parents had never had me please what a cool thing to say when you're hanging out with your friends at the fucking bar and you all pull up in your fucking vespers I don't know what people do clearly but your order exotic cocktails an avocado toast on a fucking Sunday morning with your brows
is that really or really what you're thinking no it's not you're thinking this is a life man I have a job I make money I can buy all the shit I want for myself
and not have to worry about a fucking mouth to feed and if I want mouth go get a dog cool just say that just admit to yourself you're irresponsible and you don't think you can take that next step and that's okay I did it for years man I did it for years and I'm not about to sit here and make this an episode about how you know I found the true path in life you know I did what I did but maybe that's not for you and that's okay but it never occurred to me even once as a non child person to turn around to other people and go do you need to do what I'm doing and not have cats okay because having kids is just bad did you know that there's a need list amount of suffering justice and death in the world and birth serves as the catalyst for at all yes I'm calling from the shitty website
as a result of course it is a moral imperative that we strive to minimize and prevent
pressure or force but by having a shitty website selling fucking hoodies that is as many lives as possible
don't have to deal with this we advocate focusing our time energy and resources that would have otherwise been allocated towards supporting new life to caring for improving the lives of already existing people and places
if Portland has a chapter of stop having kids and they are improving the lives of existing people in places I would like to fucking see it because I call bullshit
you mean to tell me that the sale of the fucking shitty hoodies on low quality fuckin probably Indonesian manufactured fuckin swat gear is contributing directly to the lives and livelihood in the betterment of our fair city and the people who live in I call bullshit bullshit it is because when I click the get involved thing it says support the movement it's how to get active how to join the movement and it's all about sending them fucking money is fucking scam just like when you blame your inability to care for another human being
on the state of the world this is bullshit don't have kids just on a fucking kids go you know what it's not for me done
don't tell me that you know
I think I'm gonna get a puppy instead there's a whole section of this website on why you should probably consider getting a fucking dog instead of having a kid as though
the same thing I find that however I hate the term P. Papa puppy mama are you a puppy Daddy I'm a fucking three times over fucking Kitty Daddy right now I fucking hate that people you Kitty Daddy I'm not a Kitty Daddy I have three cats I have three cats I am not there fuckin father I'm not gonna fucking change their diapers you know what do you do you buy fucking letter you give food every once rather self sufficient a fucking dog it's gonna shit on your fucking rug you have to go walk if that's what you have to do if that's the extent of the responsibility you're capable of my god go for it that's great but don't compare the two things they're not the same things and god knows you would be fucking pest
if your dad when you were growing up loved the family dog more than you already created you as only being as important in his life or your mom in her life as the dog
and if that was true in the case of that was truly the case man I feel for you there's psychologist for that go see one
anything else anything short of that is just it's a lie it's a fuckin life the weirdest fucking thing ever but there's so much clap to this site I highly recommend it fucking pull up the private browser using VPN could stop I think it's a read the shit for all of the copy that litters the site like fuckin shit stains in a pair of tight Whitey's
really at the end of the day it says nothing it only says I don't like I the author of this site don't like the state of the world I the author of this website don't feel that I could take care of kids therefore if your other people probably feel the same way and guess what they probably do but you don't need this excuse just admit to yourself I'm about me I'm only ever going to be about me and you know Hey I'd like to hang out with people who are about themselves too and maybe we could go hang out Intel we're old and gray and have no teeth you can do that you can do that you don't have to join the first sector me club you can you know that there's there's some great signs in here there's you know hate pulling out is not an option I I agree pulling out is not a really great you know what I mean right you know there's there's a there's a guy holding a sign it might be a guy am I I don't know it's it why is having his still celebrated nobody special because they had a kid
you know I never felt special because I had a kid this is certainly not an episode about how I feel special because I had a kid having a child changed my life yes does it make me any better than anybody else now does it make me any better than the person or persons who created this website yes be
honest with myself but this whole stop pressuring people to have kids nobody's out there pressuring you to have a kid who is pressuring you to have a kid is it your mom your mom wants you to amount to something she's always gonna want
she's always gonna want that at the end of the day when the fucking family dog had a better job ended up with more money in in gainful employment then you did well that's kind of disappointing to her but you don't have to do what she says you're an adult you moved how do you do your own thing if you're not taking her money if she's not supporting you who gives a shit what you said you know what I'm says women are baby making machines I agree they're far more than that all of these pictures by the way are shot in Portland every fucking one of like I recognize stuff here and and leave it to Portland the the the place were nobody grows up to come up with an organization about this because you know I I get it I get it you don't have a kid and that's fine but the the very idea that you've got pictures of people holding signs basically telling people not to have children that goes against the whole sentence that you have in your own website about you know Hey not through coercion pressure or force
this is not what you're doing when you're holding a sign and having a little rally of people who were what web designers by day and copy writers by night did you know that is not through coercion your coursing people that's that's exactly what you're doing the whole idea of this website is to pressure and or force people not have cats at the point stop having kids it's not called we would like to tell you about the alternatives to having children dot org that's not the name of the site it stop having kids with a baby busters in the in the
yeah now it's it's it's weird it's very weird in other there's no proper contact information it's a fucking form because their chicken shit yeah there's a FAQ you know to stop having kids hate kids now we do not have hatred for kids
to stop having kids have hatred for parents not we do not inherently hate parents just you know just our own parents
the suburban kids support abortion absolutely and I mean yeah so to why you want a portion of an abortion I'm pro choice fuck it you don't like that don't listen the shit
I have kids can I still join you yes it it would be you don't all you gotta do is do we just want your money we don't give a fuck about you if your mother never had you that you wouldn't be here not every mother puts a human who is happy they were better aren't
fuck off seriously fuck off
there's a lot of miserable people in the world yes but that has nothing to do with this that has nothing to do with this at all and you know it does your fucking liar you're lying to yourself that what you want to do is craft beer in your fucking closet and I don't know what make art in do it that's cool it's fine just do that but you know as as your weird side gig to support that making a website entirely about this bullshit so instead of fucking hoodies and bumper stickers it's pretty pathetic it's pretty pathetic
I will tell you this
I will tell you this
because I think it's a related and even though I don't normally like to go down the path of you know Hey I became a dad late in life late for me far later than most I think you know I'm not a young man I some teeth
I don't have a whole lot of white hair
and I certainly don't look like this much mouth motherfucker but you know if
yeah it changes your life now do you have to give up anything not really you know if you have like a really bad heroin problem you may have to give that up if your idea of a good time is getting absolutely shit faced and I don't know fucking goats in the middle of the night yeah you may have to give that up to you know anything with a potential criminal element you don't have to give it up but you probably should you probably should if you have say a a a money internet radio slash podcast network in Portland Oregon and you live as a as a fucking child in a man's body
are you have to give that up no no you don't have to give that up I decided I wanted to give that up for opportunity presented itself and the rest is history I did what I do which is whatever the fuck I want that's never gonna change
now there are times for example at seven thirty every morning where you know parents do have to round up the children or child and you know make sure that they brush their teeth to brush their hair put shoes on and send them out on their way to school
now if you were planning on having a fucking deep Dick fisting orgy at that time at seven thirty AM on weekdays you're probably gonna have to move that now do you stop having them no you don't have to you don't have to you're an idiot if you can't juggle these things you know it's tough to get started it's hard to get into the routine but everybody every parent knows every normal well adjusted parents which I like to think I am every normal well adjusted parent knows that you can do what ever you want you don't have to give up anything that was good for you in the first place absolutely not why would you you need to have a life you need to be fulfilled you need to be happy and a dog alone is that it might do that for some but it wouldn't have done it for me
cats didn't do it for me that was not enough now did I know that before going into it now there's no way of knowing
there's no way of knowing that
you don't know what the experience is gonna be like until the experience happens to you what I've changed anything when I change any fucking thing about the past ten years absolutely absolutely I would have bought my kid less toys early on that's it that's really it what else would I have changed I probably would have not got dot a Comcast cable television a few years back because I was very unsatisfied with it and ended up switching to direct TV that right there direct TV also a mistake anything to do with being a dad what I change any of it no it is literally the most fulfilling wonderful learning experience you can possibly have you do not know
all of life Intel you've helped bring life into this world and seen it grow and seeing them learn and see them become people it's one of the most fucking fulfilling things you'll ever experience I don't give a shit if mush mouth mother fucker and this this clearly embarrassed black guy here and you know pink here lady I don't care if they ever experienced that I don't care
I really could not get a shit but
I don't even care honestly that they figure this is a great angle to make a few Bucks
what I do care about is the idea that you're going to sit here on the shitty website or with a shitty Billboard and you're gonna tell me we're not trying to coerce people to do anything by well it's F. it's by doing the very thing you say you're not doing it in the first fucking paragraph of your mission statement
it's weird at some of these faqs or missing is stop having kids vegan based yes stop kids is it found it okay vegan it based it can continue to spread locally and globally
yeah what do what the fuck does that have to do with anything okay now I know exactly who you are now I know exactly who you are let me guess let me guess it's you all do I you probably on a peloton to intelligent people should be having kids but unintelligent people should ouch ouch it says we hate to break it to you but intelligent parents could have an intelligent kids
yeah an unintelligent parents can have until two kids well okay great what would it be a bad thing if the human species cease to exist no it says who would possibly be bad for I don't know humanity
you were there now you're gone that's kind of bad for you when humanity was once not around for most of the planes history was the planet and its inhabitants suffering due to absence
nobody was here you don't know what all of that time that we weren't here a giant waste because we weren't present you can't answer this fucking question you weren't there
does stop having kids even have the power potential to make humans go extinct now no
okay good we would there not doctor evil they don't have some kind of world ending machine
my favorite one though is why don't you just kill yourself isn't that we should do if you don't stay alive if you wanna stay aligned with the message stop having kids has never stated that humans to kill themselves so that we wouldn't be light so that we wouldn't be aligned with our message not wanting others to be born in this world and killing oneself once a life or two distinct issues
okay what if I'm vegan should I kill myself then wait are you saying I should kill vegans I kill myself I'm not vegan I'm just I'm having stop having kids is negative we are trying to help minimize prevent severe suffering and injustice okay I'm suffering right now just looking at this fucking garbage because you with your fucking double digit IQ actually think that people will read this and fall for this bullshit five by the same token I'll give you credit I've now talked about for thirty two minutes and fifty seconds
so to say stop having kids to set two J. which is a word that yeah my daughter uses regularly sometimes appropriately sometimes not but if I didn't have her I would not get to experience the joy of words being used in an improper ways which let me tell you is one of the most fun things of life
that's all I have to say
this is Ben Portland socks I am Robert Wagner
go out there have some fucking kids man have all the god damn kids you've earned it
the don't go